basics
What is dementia actually doing to them?
4 min read
Whatever the diagnosis is called, day to day it shows up as abilities that used to be automatic becoming hard: forming new memories, sequencing the steps of a task, finding words. It is not caused by anything you or they did. Naming which ability a moment needs, rather than asking why they are being difficult, makes most difficult moments easier to respond to.
What to try
- 1When something is difficult, ask which ability it needs, rather than why they are being difficult.
- 2Write down the three changes you notice most — that list is the map of what has been affected.
- 3Ask the team who made the diagnosis to explain what it means for them. That conversation belongs with the people who assessed them, not with an app.
What to avoid
- Quizzing or correcting to keep the memory working. It does not rebuild damage and it wounds.
- Assuming every change is the dementia. A new or sudden change is a question for a professional, not something to absorb.
What is usually still intact
- Feelings. People hold the emotional tone of an interaction long after the content has gone.
- Long-established habits and skills, such as folding laundry or humming a familiar tune.
- The ability to read your face and voice, often more sharply than before.
- Dignity, and the wish to be treated as an adult.
Why the reframe matters
Someone who cannot form new memories is not ignoring you when they ask the same question six times — the question is genuinely new each time. Someone who cannot sequence steps is not refusing to dress; they are stuck at step two of nine.
How this guide was made
Written by
Written independently for Riparo. It is not copied or adapted from any organisation’s material.
Evidence checked
Not checked against published guidance. Treat this as a starting point and confirm anything important with a professional.
Reviewed by
Not clinically reviewed. No clinician has checked this guide.