accusations
They accuse me of stealing from them or of things I have not done.
4 min read
Two things can be true here. Accusations often begin as a gap in memory filled with the most available explanation, and they tend to land on whoever is closest. But people with dementia are also among those most likely to be stolen from or badly treated, and an allegation is not proof of confusion. Before settling on an explanation, ask whether what they are describing could have happened.
What to try
- 1Ask yourself first whether it could be true — particularly if the person accused is a paid carer, or if money or possessions are genuinely missing.
- 2If nothing supports it, do not defend yourself. Say "That is upsetting — let us look together."
- 3Help search, and let them find it themselves if you can. Being right is worth less than them feeling in control.
- 4Keep duplicates of the things that go missing most.
- 5Afterwards, note the time and circumstances. These accusations often cluster at a particular time of day.
What to avoid
- Arguing, producing evidence, or demanding an apology.
- Taking it as a verdict on your character — it lands hardest on whoever does the most care.
- Discussing it in front of them with other family, which entrenches the story.
When it is not a symptom
Accusations frequently fall on whoever is present most, and where nothing supports them that is worth knowing in advance — it does not stop it hurting, but it stops you reading it as a relationship problem. What it must not become is an automatic explanation. Theft, rough handling and neglect are exactly how real harm to an older person surfaces, and being the person who hears it first is not the same as being the person who decides.
How this guide was made
Written by
Written independently for Riparo. It is not copied or adapted from any organisation’s material.
Evidence checked
Some key points have been checked against published national dementia guidance; others have not been.
Reviewed by
Not clinically reviewed. No clinician has checked this guide.