difficult conversations
Do I keep telling them bad news they cannot remember?
3 min read
Ask first whether this is news they need at all. If it is, and they can hold it, they can grieve properly with support. If you have told them and it did not stay, repeating it delivers the shock again without the understanding, and comfort and company serve them better. Retention is the main question but not the only one — how distressed they get and how often they ask matter too.
What to try
- 1First ask whether this is news they need. For someone they were close to and saw often, it usually is. For a relative they had not seen in years, it may be kinder not to.
- 2Ask what they are actually seeking — reassurance, company, or information.
- 3Answer the feeling first and see whether the question dissolves.
- 4If you do give the news, keep it short, sit down, and stay afterwards. Use the plain word — “died”, not “passed on” or “gone”. Softer words are kindly meant and they leave people unsure what they have just been told. Pick a time of day when they are at their best, and do not put it off.
- 5Agree one form of words with the rest of the family so everyone says the same thing.
What to avoid
- Delivering the news repeatedly out of a sense of duty to the truth.
- Detailed explanations they cannot follow.
- Leaving immediately after telling them.
Agreeing it as a family
Most of the harm here comes from inconsistency — one relative telling the truth, another deflecting. Have the conversation once, agree the wording, and write it down where visitors can see it.
How this guide was made
Written by
Written independently for Riparo. It is not copied or adapted from any organisation’s material.
Evidence checked
Some key points have been checked against published national dementia guidance; others have not been.
Reviewed by
Not clinically reviewed. No clinician has checked this guide.