family
My family are not helping. How do I get them to?
4 min read
Vague appeals for help tend to go nowhere; specific, bounded requests are much harder to decline. Ask one named person for one named task at a named time. Relatives at a distance often genuinely do not know how bad it is, because the person presents far better in a short visit.
What to try
- 1Ask for a specific task, from a specific person, at a specific time: "Can you take Dad on Saturday afternoons?"
- 2Offer a list of concrete jobs, including ones that can be done remotely — paperwork, phone calls, ordering shopping, managing benefits.
- 3Share short factual notes of what actually happens in a week rather than a general description.
- 4Hold one family conversation about the situation, ideally with a professional or a carers organisation present.
What to avoid
- Saying "let me know if you can help" and waiting.
- Doing everything to avoid conflict, then resenting it silently.
- Expecting an apology or a fair share as a precondition for accepting whatever help is offered.
The showtime effect
Many people with dementia rally impressively for a short visit and then collapse afterwards. This is not deliberate. It is also the single biggest reason distant relatives underestimate the situation — so send them the notes, not the impression.
How this guide was made
Written by
Written independently for Riparo. It is not copied or adapted from any organisation’s material.
Evidence checked
Not checked against published guidance. Treat this as a starting point and confirm anything important with a professional.
Reviewed by
Not clinically reviewed. No clinician has checked this guide.