refusal
They refuse all my help. How do I get anything done?
4 min read
Refusal is usually about control rather than the task. Being helped is a reminder of what has been lost, so a direct offer of help invites a no. Reframing the task as something you are doing together, offering a genuine choice, and abandoning it cheerfully when refused all work better than persuasion.
What to try
- 1Offer a choice within the task rather than a choice about the task: "Blue shirt or the green one?"
- 2Do it alongside them rather than to them: "Give me a hand with these."
- 3Break it into a single step and start with the easiest one.
- 4Drop it without argument and come back in fifteen minutes. Refusals rarely survive a reset.
What to avoid
- Building a case for why they are wrong. A reasoned argument rarely overturns a refusal in the moment — which is not a reason to stop telling them what is happening, just to say it shorter and show as well as tell.
- Announcing tasks as tasks: "Time for your shower" invites a no.
- Repeating the request more firmly, which turns a refusal into a stand-off.
The reset
Because the last few minutes are often not retained, walking out and walking back in five minutes later genuinely starts the interaction fresh. The same request, made the same way, frequently succeeds. It is worth trying before anything more elaborate.
How this guide was made
Written by
Written independently for Riparo. It is not copied or adapted from any organisation’s material.
Evidence checked
Some key points have been checked against published national dementia guidance; others have not been.
Reviewed by
Not clinically reviewed. No clinician has checked this guide.