approach
They startle or react badly when I come near. What am I doing wrong?
3 min read
Most of what gets labelled aggression starts in the first three seconds of an approach. Dementia narrows the useful field of vision and slows recognition, so appearing suddenly at the shoulder is genuinely startling. Be seen before you are heard, and heard before you are felt.
What to try
- 1Approach slowly from the front, inside their field of vision, and pause about a metre away.
- 2Get to their eye level or slightly below — standing over someone reads as threat.
- 3Keep your hands visible, open and below chest height.
- 4Say what you are about to do, then do one step of it, and stop if they resist.
What to avoid
- Touching before making eye contact, especially from behind.
- Arriving with a task in your hands — greet the person before starting the job.
- Crossed arms, a raised voice, or standing in a doorway blocking the exit.
Your own state leaks
People with dementia read emotional tone with unusual accuracy. Arrive tense and they become tense without knowing why, and you will both blame the task. Thirty seconds outside the door to unclench your jaw is part of the care, not an indulgence.
How this guide was made
Written by
Written independently for Riparo. It is not copied or adapted from any organisation’s material.
Evidence checked
Not checked against published guidance. Treat this as a starting point and confirm anything important with a professional.
Reviewed by
Not clinically reviewed. No clinician has checked this guide.