validation

Should I lie to them, or keep correcting them?

4 min read

There is an order to this, and most situations end early in it. Say what is true, once and kindly, and watch what happens. Then work out what they actually mean. Then say something true that meets the feeling. Then move the moment on. Meeting them inside their version of things comes after all of that, and saying something untrue comes after even that — rarely, and for a reason you could explain.

What to try

1Say the true thing once, gently, and see what it does. If it lands, you are finished. If it does not, do not say it again.
2Work out what they actually mean. "I have to get to work" is usually about being useful or being expected somewhere, and answering that ends it.
3Say something true that meets the feeling — that they are safe, that you are staying, that nothing needs doing right now.
4Move the moment on: a drink, a task, music, going outside. "I do not know" and "let me find out" are honest bridges that buy you time.
5Let a harmless belief stand, and if they call you the wrong name, answer to it. You are not asserting anything false by doing that.

What to avoid

Repeating a correction that has already failed and is upsetting them. Telling them the date or where they are is fine — do it once, kindly, and watch what happens. It is the repetition that does the harm, not the fact.
Untruths that create new obligations, like promising a visitor tomorrow.
Anything you would be uncomfortable explaining to them if they were fully well.

When saying something untrue is actually justified

Rarely, and not because they keep asking. Two things have to be true at once: the steps above have been tried and have not worked or plainly do not fit, and telling the truth again would do them real harm rather than simply upset them. Someone hearing of a death as though for the first time, over and over, is being harmed. Someone unhappy about being told the date is not. Being tired, being asked for the tenth time, and wanting the conversation to end are all real — and none of them is a reason on its own. This is a position the app has taken deliberately, not something a study settled.

This does not apply to everything

Going along with a harmless belief is one thing. There is a set of subjects where the truth is never softened, however much distress it causes — they are listed under “Where honesty is not negotiable” below. That list is a boundary rather than a judgement call, and it is held in one place for the whole app so it cannot quietly shrink.

The discomfort is normal

Most caregivers were raised to believe honesty is kindness. What has changed is not your values but their ability to use the information. You are still choosing the option that protects them.

What to try, in order

Work down this order. Most situations stop long before the end of it.
1. Truth, or gentle orientation — Say what is true, once, kindly. Offer the orienting fact if it is likely to help, and watch what happens next.
2. Understand the meaning and the emotion — Work out what the statement is actually about — who they are looking for, what they are afraid of, what they think they are late for.
3. Truthful reassurance — Say something true that meets the feeling: that they are safe, that you are staying, that nothing needs doing right now.
4. Redirection or distraction — Move the moment on — a drink, a task, music, a photograph, going outside — without contradicting them.
5. Going along where appropriate — Meet them inside their reality without asserting the false fact yourself: answering to a wrong name, letting a belief stand unchallenged.
6. Limited compassionate untruth — A short, kind, consistent untruth — reachable only when the truthful rungs above have been tried and failed or are clearly unsuitable, AND continuing with the truth is reasonably expected to cause significant psychological or physical harm. See UNTRUTH_THRESHOLD.
Steps 1 to 5 are all truthful and need no justification. Only the last step involves saying something untrue.
Start as close to the truth as practicable. Understanding, emotional validation, truthful reassurance and redirection come first. A deliberate compassionate untruth is a last resort, reachable only when truthful alternatives have failed or are clearly unsuitable AND continuing with the truth is reasonably expected to cause significant psychological or physical harm or distress.
Not enough on their own: The person keeps asking. The person is upset. It would be quicker or easier. The caregiver is exhausted, or has answered this many times today. The conversation is uncomfortable for the caregiver.
Significant harm does not mean physical danger must be present. Repeatedly re-living a bereavement as though hearing it for the first time is significant psychological harm. Being unhappy about being corrected is not.

How this guide was made

Written by

Written independently for Riparo. It is not copied or adapted from any organisation’s material.

Evidence checked

Some key points have been checked against published national dementia guidance; others have not been.

Reviewed by

Not clinically reviewed. No clinician has checked this guide.

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