difficult feelings
I feel guilty, and sometimes I resent them. Is that normal?
4 min read
Yes. Guilt, resentment, anger and grief run through almost every caregiving relationship, and they coexist with love rather than contradicting it. What matters is having somewhere to put those feelings other than the person you are caring for.
What to try
- 1Name it to someone — a carers group, a friend, a counsellor. Unspoken guilt grows; spoken guilt usually shrinks.
- 2Separate the feeling from the action. Feeling furious is not the same as doing harm.
- 3When you snap, repair it simply and move on. They will usually not retain the incident; do not carry it for both of you.
- 4Notice what you are actually grieving. Much of this is mourning someone who is still here.
What to avoid
- Measuring yourself against an imaginary caregiver who never gets impatient.
- Deciding that needing a break proves something about your love for them.
- Keeping it entirely inside the family, where everyone is too involved to be objective.
Grief without a death
Losing someone gradually while they are still in the room has a name — anticipatory or ambiguous grief. It does not follow the tidy stages, it recurs, and it is not something to be got over while the caregiving continues.
How this guide was made
Written by
Written independently for Riparo. It is not copied or adapted from any organisation’s material.
Evidence checked
Not checked against published guidance. Treat this as a starting point and confirm anything important with a professional.
Reviewed by
Not clinically reviewed. No clinician has checked this guide.